We all have "triggers" or flashbacks of some sort or the other. I will hear a song or eat a certain food and it reminds me of my dad who passed away many years ago and those emotions come to the surface in a hurry. I hear the songs that were played at my wedding and the memories of that day flash before me in an instant. There are various reminders of my childhood, pregnancy, work, friends, etc. It seems to be easy to connect the dots on what memory is caused by the trigger. I can seem to identify the emotions or reactions, because I have previous knowledge of those events. The problem for me is that even though I can seem to identify my own triggers, it seems difficult to determine what other people's triggers are, especially my daughters.
After leaving Alesha in the church nursery for the first time a couple weeks ago and experiencing the regression in the following weeks, it got me to thinking about "triggers". Today marks 2 weeks since I left her in the nursery. She played happily for 1/2 hour and then they called me because she was crying. As I ran through the church to the nursery a flood of emotions hit me. I shouldn't have left her, is this going to cause regression?, what caused her to suddenly begin crying? As I rushed to the top of the two flights of stairs I could her her screams. As I ran for the door to comfort my sweet girl, I was stunned that she didn't even run to me. When I opened the gate and walked towards her she just stood there not moving an inch and screaming. Her eyes were fixed straight ahead. It was as if she totally checked out. I called her name as I walked towards her scooping her up in my arms. She was shaking and screaming as she buried her face in my shoulder. It took a long time to calm her down. :-( I asked the workers what happened and they said that she was playing so happily and then all of the sudden she just started crying. She said it was as if she got bored and realized that I was not there. This might have been the case, but I think there was a lot more to it with the reaction I saw from my precious girl. I finally got her calmed down and we had a snack together and then we left for home. I knew she might have a little difficulty with the nursery, but I didn't expect this.
I had tried several times before to leave her in the nursery and it was clear to me that she was not ready. The week prior to leaving her, I stayed with her the entire time and observed from a distance to see how she would do. She did fantastic, so I thought it was the perfect time to give it a try. Clearly this time there was something that triggered inside of her mind and heart to cause such a reaction. It was not a reaction of, I don't want to be here and I want my mom. Her reaction was that of terror. It took me only a few minutes to reach her, but by that time trauma had occurred.
These last two weeks have been very emotionally draining for me. To see her become so clingy and not wanting anybody to hold her, but me, brings me back to when we first arrived home from India. I feel sad and broken hearted that Alesha experienced such trauma. I try not to second guess my choice in putting her in the nursery. These events have me praying to God for guidance and insight on what to do in the weeks to come. I pray that God will comfort her precious mind and heart and help her to feel secure again. All I know to do is hold her, love her, reassure her, comfort her and pray for her.
This is the biggest trigger I have seen to date, but there are have been a number of triggers along the way that I have not been able to identify. I am puzzled when we are going about our day and out of the blue I sense her becoming very uncomfortable and she wants to be held immediately as she begins to whine or cry. One example of this is when we walk down long corridors. All is well until we get about half way down and then she begins to panic and wants to be picked up immediately. I always pick her up and reassure her that everything is okay, but wonder what it is that is causing this reaction. When she becomes hysterical when she sees a balloon floating in the sky (whether it is her balloon or not), it makes me wonder what is the event or memory that triggers such a reaction. At times like these it becomes clear to me that there is a 15 month gap of information that I simply do not have access to. What is going through her mind at these moments of panic? What is the flashback or memory that is causing her to feel so uneasy and scared?
These experiences make me very aware that triggers, flashbacks, and regression can occur at any time for any reason, even after being home for 15 months. I am aware that I have limited answers for times like these and that I need to rely on God for his comfort and wisdom. Triggers are a part of life. Figuring out how to handle them as they arise appears to be the great challenge.
After leaving Alesha in the church nursery for the first time a couple weeks ago and experiencing the regression in the following weeks, it got me to thinking about "triggers". Today marks 2 weeks since I left her in the nursery. She played happily for 1/2 hour and then they called me because she was crying. As I ran through the church to the nursery a flood of emotions hit me. I shouldn't have left her, is this going to cause regression?, what caused her to suddenly begin crying? As I rushed to the top of the two flights of stairs I could her her screams. As I ran for the door to comfort my sweet girl, I was stunned that she didn't even run to me. When I opened the gate and walked towards her she just stood there not moving an inch and screaming. Her eyes were fixed straight ahead. It was as if she totally checked out. I called her name as I walked towards her scooping her up in my arms. She was shaking and screaming as she buried her face in my shoulder. It took a long time to calm her down. :-( I asked the workers what happened and they said that she was playing so happily and then all of the sudden she just started crying. She said it was as if she got bored and realized that I was not there. This might have been the case, but I think there was a lot more to it with the reaction I saw from my precious girl. I finally got her calmed down and we had a snack together and then we left for home. I knew she might have a little difficulty with the nursery, but I didn't expect this.
I had tried several times before to leave her in the nursery and it was clear to me that she was not ready. The week prior to leaving her, I stayed with her the entire time and observed from a distance to see how she would do. She did fantastic, so I thought it was the perfect time to give it a try. Clearly this time there was something that triggered inside of her mind and heart to cause such a reaction. It was not a reaction of, I don't want to be here and I want my mom. Her reaction was that of terror. It took me only a few minutes to reach her, but by that time trauma had occurred.
These last two weeks have been very emotionally draining for me. To see her become so clingy and not wanting anybody to hold her, but me, brings me back to when we first arrived home from India. I feel sad and broken hearted that Alesha experienced such trauma. I try not to second guess my choice in putting her in the nursery. These events have me praying to God for guidance and insight on what to do in the weeks to come. I pray that God will comfort her precious mind and heart and help her to feel secure again. All I know to do is hold her, love her, reassure her, comfort her and pray for her.
This is the biggest trigger I have seen to date, but there are have been a number of triggers along the way that I have not been able to identify. I am puzzled when we are going about our day and out of the blue I sense her becoming very uncomfortable and she wants to be held immediately as she begins to whine or cry. One example of this is when we walk down long corridors. All is well until we get about half way down and then she begins to panic and wants to be picked up immediately. I always pick her up and reassure her that everything is okay, but wonder what it is that is causing this reaction. When she becomes hysterical when she sees a balloon floating in the sky (whether it is her balloon or not), it makes me wonder what is the event or memory that triggers such a reaction. At times like these it becomes clear to me that there is a 15 month gap of information that I simply do not have access to. What is going through her mind at these moments of panic? What is the flashback or memory that is causing her to feel so uneasy and scared?
These experiences make me very aware that triggers, flashbacks, and regression can occur at any time for any reason, even after being home for 15 months. I am aware that I have limited answers for times like these and that I need to rely on God for his comfort and wisdom. Triggers are a part of life. Figuring out how to handle them as they arise appears to be the great challenge.
4 comments:
Thanks so much for sharing. I'm sure you have heard this before but it bears repeating. You are doing such a great job helping Alesha through these difficult spots. How are you personally coping with the regression? In my own experience it's very, very hard to be the one and only caregiver. Hang in there.
Our 3.5 year old son has been home with us for 6 months. We have essentially three years of history that we know very little about. It's a strange feeling to feel as though you know your child best in the whole world with the exception of that missing time...
One thing I have figured out is that he is beyond terrified of all dogs. Thankfully we don't have a dog but when we come across them in our daily life he gets so scared that he shrieks in terror. I usually have to pick him up and hold him close as we pass by. Most dog owners are very understanding but a few less sympathetic people have been outright offended by his reaction. Frequently they point out how tragic it is that he doesn't like dogs. Inevitably always they point out that their dog is a model canine who would be the best dog in the world to help Eli lose his fear. Right - the best dog in the world unless you're terrified of dogs!!! Sigh.
It's so hard to watch our kids struggle, especially when they can't verbalize what's happening inside. Sounds like you're doing a great job being sensitive to her fear in the aftermath.
Anya Rashi always had a hard time with Sunday School too. I didn't even try for close to a year, and then I ended up volunteering in her room to get her used to it. Now she goes right in, as long as she can find a teen girl volunteer to hang around with. That works with her, for whatever reason . . .
Now, the challenge is pre-K! She cries at the drop off every time, but is fine after she's in the room (in literally one minute!). Hopefully, now that she's starting her 3rd week, she will not cry any longer . . .
Nancy
Oh April, it breaks my heart to read your post. Dropping Asha off at her one day a week of childcare is one of the hardest things that I do. She cries every time, and from what the childcare provider tells me, settles down fairly quickly. But when I pick her up at the end of the day, she is screaming again. And it takes her a really long time for her to become regulated again. The first time, it took over a day until she really calmed down.
It is so very hard to not know what is triggering our children. We want so badly to protect them, and soothe them. I can feel your longing to understand Alesha. Being 5 months into this journey of attachment, I will tell you this, there will be steps forward and steps backward, and she will recover and move on from this experience. You may never know what actually brought on this reaction, and it some point, it may not even matter anymore.
You are doing a beautiful job of loving your child April. Just know that :) Emily
I love this post. I keep thinking about it, and thinking about it. I KNOW that I will come back to it and read it again when V comes home.
Triggers are HUGE, even when you do know the exact cause of them.
I am almost 40 and am a lunatic whenever a bee comes near me. I literally can't control my reaction...it drives people nuts. I have been known to leave my car in the middle of a busy intersection, because a bee flew in the window.
And I know why I am like this. All because of when I was little I got stung by a bunch of wasps at once.
I can't imagine not knowing someone's history....so not knowing if they are reacting in a certain way, because of something that has happened to them or not.
I echo what the others have said...you are obviously doing an incredible job at loving your daughter through this. The little I have read about your parenting...you totally impress me. And for whatever it counts....it does take a lot to impress me when it comes to parenting. :)
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